Great moments and people of 2015, pt. 3

Great moments and people of 2015, pt. 2

Great moments and people of 2015, pt. 1

On Being Trapped

I’ve never been good at talking about my problems. Yes, I can talk about almost everything - be it awkward topics like sex, diseases, the crap we all do when we’re drunk. But opening up about my feelings? That I find incredibly difficult. Ask me how I’m doing. Even if you’re really close to me and are aware that I am not okay, I will downplay what’s actually going on in my head. And I trap myself there.

The past few months have been tough for me and I made them tough for others. I’ve decided to open up the best I can now - hoping it will be a step towards recovery, if not an actual closure. I want to talk about what happened, I want people to understand and I want myself to understand. And I want to move on. I don’t want to be trapped anymore.

As long as I remember, I have battled my overwhelmingly low self-esteem. I take criticism badly - not because of pride, but because it feels like a kick in my esteem’s metaphorical balls. My first reaction is always defense, I put on a strong face and (seem to) fight for myself (by the way, this tactic is not always a good idea). But inside, I crumble. Now, I am not a teenager anymore - I have learnt how to deal with these situations on the surface, but that doesn’t mean I don’t overthink them. I can be very strict with myself and berate myself for almost everything I say. Was I being rude? Did I not listen to the person? Did I miss something? Did my tiny little mistake ruin their day? Do they think I am a horrible person? And so on.

My low self-esteem didn’t pair well with my situation this summer. After 6 years of university and 2 degrees, I was stuck working in retail. Now, there’s nothing wrong with working in retail, not to mention I should’ve been grateful to have a job in the first place. But when you see yourself somewhere else, when, at the age of 25, you want to start working towards something, even if you don’t know what that something is yet (but are sure it’s not being a shop assistant), you won’t feel great about your situation. I felt like a failure. I hated my job and myself, not matter how much praise I got. I even felt like piece of shit after I received a job offer from Registers of Scotland. The fact that I knew I was on my way out of retail didn’t change how I felt in the slightest. Human mentality, eh?

For weeks, I kept it together. August was so busy, I was too tired to overthink my life. I felt the avalanche of shit threatening to tear me down, but it had no room in my head. I was well and fully distracted. Then everything changed when the September lull attacked. It went from crazy busy to really quiet in about 20 hours and I suddenly had time to think and overthink. And the avalanche broke loose. At first, I just felt sad, sorry for myself. I cried a bit, then put the mask of my strong self back on. But slowly (well, not that slowly at all, we are talking the space of a few days) I started to trap myself in my head. I became distant. Snappy. Unpleasant. I created problems that I could talk about, problems I could blame my behaviour on. These problems were secondary, no the underlying cause of my impending meltdown. I made a series of bad decisions that only made my situation worse. Basically I found myself in a vicious circle of feeling awful > doing awful things > feeling 200% worse > doing more awful things, ad infinitum.

Add guilt to the mix of low self-esteem and being lost in your own mental maze, what you get is an overwhelming need to run away. I felt that everyone would be better off without me in their lives; and I rationalised this in my head. I had “reasons” to go. To leave the ones I love and care for. I told myself that I don’t love them enough if I’m capable of causing them so much pain; that they can’t possibly love me. I wanted to be alone. I was vulnerable and angry and frustrated. I grew snappier and nastier and even more distant. I felt safer surrounded by people who didn’t know me, who didn’t analyse my behaviour.

I never fully acted on my urge to run away from my life, there was still a big part of me that despised the idea. And after a while, things slowly started to go back to normal - or so I thought. New job started, I spent more time home, I stopped running off into the nightlife. I felt okay for a while. But my head never stopped. I unloaded one pile of shit only to create a new one. Gradually, the cage in my head started closing again. The guilt, the self-loathing and the conviction that everyone thinks I am an awful human being trapped me again. I completely failed at Christmas (which I always associated with being loved and happy), I was miserable. Once more, I wanted to run away, to be alone and to deal with my pain myself. The toxic part of my mind convinced me that was the only solution. Did I ever talk about this with anyone? Of course not. Again, I rationalised my decisions and created problems to blame my situation on. And in the process, I again caused more pain to the ones who least deserved it.

It was only a few days ago my mind really exploded. All the toxic stuff spilled out and did a lot of damage on its way. But it’s out. It’s gone. There isn’t a whirlpool dragging me down in my head anymore. And I sure as hell don’t want it to come back.

I found motivation to live my life as it is now again. I don’t want to run away anymore. No more secrets. No more lies. No more trapping myself in my head. No more toxic buildup.

I am going to write about what happened and what is happening to me. I am going to talk about it. I won’t avoid answering concerned questions. I am going to take care of myself. I am going to go for a run and eat healthy and enjoy being around my friends. And I am going to binge eat and drink and stay on the sofa all day when I feel like it - but not for the wrong reasons.

I can’t thank enough the people who were there for me, with me,  at any point in the past ~6 months and didn’t kick me out of their lives, even though I fully deserved it. I am sure you know who you are - if you talked to me, if you provided distraction, if you listened to my ramblings, if you spent any time with me at all - thanks for being there for me.

The biggest apology and thank you goes to Ally. The pain I put him through the past few months could easily justify him leaving me to deal with my shit on my own. I did so much damage to our relationship it’s a miracle we’re still here, together. I am incredibly grateful he didn’t give up when I was ready to. If it wasn’t for him, who knows where I’d be right now.

Ally, I am so sorry. I don’t think I will ever be able to make it up to you. I love you so much.

This is Casper, but we call him Ben - Uncle Ben. 

He lives somewhere on our street (however I’ve been told that technically he doesn’t have an owner), but is home in every house in the neighbourhood. Including ours.

This blog has been dead for way too long, TIME TO GO THROUGH ALL MY RECENT PICTURES AND POST THEM ALL AT ONCE JUST TO FORGET TO DO SO AGAIN FOR THE NEXT 8 MONTHS

Doughnuts! Amazing doughnuts from Twelve Triangles here in Edinburgh. This one was, I believe, grapefruit ricotta-filled, there’s usually a good selection of chocolate and custard based fillings too. I am, however, eyeing the apple and/or pear filled doughnuts. They sound delicious.

Domestic bliss

This was one of the rare days when both me and my boyfriend were off work, home and had the whole day to spend together. This is how he started the day for us. 

OK!

Haircut selfie

Scotland is stupidly beautiful. Inverie, Knoydart, Scotland